Some days it appears, to the astute viewpoint of a dear friend, that I live my life in a reversing fashion: settling the whimsical desires of youth at an earlier age of life. Trading establishment and the desire, that many adults achieve through the hoops and hurdles in life, to be "settled and stable," relinquishing adventurous offerings of the midlife crisis to just that, a midlife point.
In remarks about her father, a dear friend shared with me that he was wishing he did this or that differently when he was younger - feeling regretful in his age. I understand that hindsight is seen as 20/20; or, as I like to say, 50/50: fifty percent of one or fifty percent of the other. Often, as we see through the lens of age and maturity, we wished we would have seen clearer, chosen the other fifty percent of possibilities; traded our cards for those cards, instead.
With this type of thinking, what does it do for us? And, how do we go about feeling empowered in our current course? How, then, are we thus removed from our current stasis, and ability to act in stability?
I feel trusting, perhaps honest, about the future. My hair cut is not going to change; I don't imagine buying some piece of property in the islands somewhere (unless it is really as good as it sounds), nor do I see myself jumping on the brakes and yanking the wheel to try and reverse the course my life is taking.
I say, what is, is!
Spontaneity, something I revel in. With roots tied in loving friendships and seasonal jobs, I always seem to have an avenue of escape if needed. Dualistically choosing a fitting fifty percent over the other. Perhaps this gets at our primal roots as humans - always keeping a safety valve in sight or mind.
Ever wonder why you prefer to sit with your back towards the wall and your eyes on the entrances? Why you find yourself distrusting, and feeling anxious, in a new situation you know to be safe? Chances are favorable that you are experiencing some primal upheaval within. Connecting with an innate survival mechanism that was born, not bred, into you - regardless of your conscious mind.
It is something I have been drawn to explore more of: why I choose a parking spot for the van in a quiet corner; the bike ride home from work, sans headlamp, on a cold, starry night; the flirtatious and not committing association I have with stuff I own; and, the lifestyle I desire to live, placing me in the wilds more than the tamed existence of everyday human this, human that.
This to me feels like the nutshell in life that I trace with curious fingers - sometimes day after day. I am not waiting for some magical unseen point where my boiling point has been reached and I scream out, like the tea kettle upon hot stove, lashing and leaping from one end of the spectrum to the other for sake of expression. I desire to express now, here! Each day of living, loving and breathing!
I acknowledge deep roots with something. Often times my familial roots give me the brazen feeling to branch out, knowing that I have a loving support system to catch me, should I fall from the tree tops. And, even though the pile of leaves looks enticing to fall into, I would rather acknowledge its potential padding, than need feel it. Perhaps this is how I judge myself, how I assess where I am, and where I am headed.
A roller coaster ride to some who know me, a thrilling ride worth the admission ticket to others. And, to sit here and read how I seem to flow, I reach a point of perspective, witnessing how my life is easy for me - because I am mostly with just me - and challenging for another in my themed life of undulations.
And then, I channel into something - her - this drawing creature that paws at my heart, pulls at my physical form to return to; a saturated and steeped-in something, continually mysterious existence, that I cannot deny; the underlying, fundamental love of mine that feeds my branching out: the wild Wilds.
And for this, I am grateful.