Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Excerpts from a dirtbagging vagabond's diary ...

The public discourse of my personal thoughts and feelings are on display here: I seek to share openly about the raw emotion that I experienced at one point in my life not too long ago. It is within this primary space that my life is defining still - with swirls, lateral shifts, and ventures into the heights and depths of living. Please tread lightly, knowing that an emotional beast slumbers in all of us. 


11/18/12
I pause off the side of the highway; lulled into a longing stare with the approaching sunrise. Through my side view mirror the early light bleeds freedom, beauty, simplicity! Off in the distance a train horn sounds as a tractor trailer comes boldly down the highway; headed west, like I.

A high white wisp of cloud simmers above a lone star: an uncaptured prisoner in the loving, non-violent war between dark and dawn. My hands grow colder with the early morning chill and my pen strokes increase, attempting to capture the portrait of beauty ahead of me. More light, more colors, more beauty. Is there any reason not to smile? Even the steady, yet sparse flow of traffic in the predawn maze of color fails to disgruntle me.

The flat vastness of the Midwest seems nothing to lament about, though, possibly unlike other visitors to this region, I am most appreciative of the sunrise and sunsets blessing this land from wide right to wide left. A state policeman pulls-up to my stopped vehicle, sitting dormant on the side of the interstate. He kindly informs me to not be stopped unless I am in an emergency. Reluctantly, though glad for what I saw, I move on - Westward!

***

I take a few fleeting moments to record the sunset; after a sunrise this morning, I feel complete in some fashion. The vivid blue way up in the ionosphere and the bright burning yellow of the sun's refraction; the pink-purply hue of clouds proximal to the sun's last occupancy on the horizon round out the evening portrait. Such beauty! If only it could be without these tractor trailers and cars rolling by; and, perhaps shared with another curious soul as well.

Anyways, onward to the Colorado border; there's still light skyward!


11/21/12
Sitting here, desiring to reflect a bit on my reintegration to Colorado ... again I find it comforting to recall the peacefulness I experienced on that long drive. It wasn't necessarily a kind [of peacefulness] that was inspired externally - as in a beautiful nature scene of waterfalls and sunshine - but rather an internal sense of peace. This is something I've been striving to obtain since my time outside on the [Appalachian Trail]. I imagine the freedom I was and am feeling in that flowing free mentality right now in life. I believe this is something that holistically contributed to my extended sense of calm.

Arriving near the NE Colorado border with Nebraska, I was treated to a final display of evening colors. I had taken 5 or 10 minutes, as the sunny orb descended below the horizon a short time before, to drink it all in; to try and lovingly capture, in words, the scene before me. The crazy colors, pastel in spectrum, seemed quite unique - almost too subtle to describe in generality. Even though my camera captured some of the image electro-mechanically, the sight my whole being witnessed far surpassed anything the camera ever could. Perhaps my heart and mind - sitting as one peacefully - permitted a patient and positive view on what I was witnessing. Perhaps the entire cycle of sunlight - from watching sunrise to sunset - contributed a completed sense of appreciation...hmmmm; hard to know exactly. And that, I feel, is what makes it so simply beautiful.

I don't need to think much about the details; I only need acknowledge and appreciate it.


12/1/12
Feeling negative and bitter right now. Perhaps I'm at my limit. The Unforgiven came on my iPod's shuffle... embitterment shines through right now. My light, what level is it at?

I've given and been given - specifically care and places to stay, shower, and sleep, but still I crave a different way to lighten my life. Journaling seems a good way to express - especially since I don't desire to burden others with my temporary issues.

Perhaps I'm at the threshold of time I can spend flowing freely in my life. [I have] been without work for a while, but what intrigues my curiosity is the continual time spent living in other's spaces: one and a half months and counting. This existence is freeing but I desire a base, a place to call home that isn't my car per se.

I observe the idea to take off the necklace I've made to hold Hannah's bracelet, but in reaching to grasp and take it off, I hesitate and retreat. Sounds like the over-arching notion that has been my emotional journey. What would I truly gain by removing it? The idea that I can be free of it if I choose? Seems a minute point. It'll remain as a token of Love's patience - despite the turmoil I've temporarily created for myself.

Days of the week matter little to me. If anything, the weekend signals increased availability of friends who work weekdays; and certain limitations on business hours: as weekends cause workday shifts, etc.

Sitting here, listening to music, writing thoughts and feelings - thinking about poor me, who only has his car as his home. What a sorry fuck! I haven't been this low in so long. I wonder if I'll be able to shine through to Ben and Agi tonight; or, if I'll disguise my disillusionment with what is truly good in my life right now?

I'm so much more awake and aware in life now, but I also witness the cross-talk of emotion resulting. Treading time to heart and love ... in souljahing on. Gotta!


12/3/12
Sitting on the couch in Rumors Coffee House in [Crested Butte]. The other room was quite loud and this space serves better for reflection and reading - which I intend to do this afternoon/evening.

I'd like to address this past Saturday (12/1/12), a day in which I bleakly saw the world and my immediate future. In such positive force for the last month and half, it seemed quite an unfortunate contrast for me to be so inherently negative. I was bitter. I resolved - even after a beautiful hike to Signal Peak (in Gunnison) - to complain and escape into a cloak of negativity. I acknowledge the necessity - perhaps - of this contrast, but after experiencing such positive flow and vibe for so long, it seemed odd to be in a negative space.

So, here and now - feeling positive and purposeful - I scratch slowly to make sense of the muddy water's surface that was my day past. I look forward to the unknowns. Life is lining me into a necessary space. I appreciate this. Ahhh, breathing...thank you!


12/4/12
Writing for the sake of just that. Still waking up; the sun is bright, and I think of last eve up near Kebler Pass - skate skiing with Ben, Mike, and Josh.

In any direction skyward nothing screamed for more attention than the white crystal holes punched in the black canvas. With my headlamp off the stars shone brilliant and bright; the Milky Way even demonstrating its dusty dance across the sky. What a sight to see; what a sight to feel! Surely this is one of the reasons I came back out West.

***

A moving break from my conscious thought in this exact space brings new information to my cerebrum: the level of comfort I've grown to accept as normal in the last 6 months has helped me grow, surely. For example, using public restrooms for my bodily business; sleeping on floors, often a different one every night - without exact knowledge where I'll sleep the next night, nor worry either. 

This feels freeing - knowing that I am opening to opportunities as they call, instead of halting to think about them. The later perhaps seeking a place of comfort - which seems to have been redefined in my life. 

As I prepare for the winter season, and my time living and renting with the Halliwell Brothers in Edwards, I wonder towards the progress of what has been my life till now. 

I look forward to writing. To pouring over my thoughts - especially my written accounts of thoughts, feelings, and situations - as I prepare to write, to bring forth the creative potential within: sharing the loving flower of freedom with those who seek to hear. This will be a beautiful process. 

I take this final space of white-lined page to thank and appreciate this journey. Much to be grateful for! Thank you to you in my life. 

~Alan


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