I am unsure what is ahead of me in life. That, for many, inexplicable reasons is encouraging. I realize that in this current spot in time and space, graduate school - and the various tasks required to replicate success day after day - produce much internal distress. Though, release is usually a weekend away; usually.
This past weekend, I found myself to be carrying my Type A, git r done attitude with me into the Saturday afternoon. Maura, who was up visiting me in Boone, had an awful time dealing with my anal-retentiveness. I take a moment now to reflect.
I appreciate that she is willing to deal with my stress, even though it challenges her holistically. I appreciate that we are able to find the calm on the other side of our storming stage. There is something about being away from each other that produces a stressful reintegration each time we are privileged to visit with one another for a weekend.
I acknowledge my responsibility, or lack there-of, in this phase. Since my breach with drugs and alcohol (for the sake of clarity and for a reality check) I have found myself to be a touch irritable when I am changing from my week to my weekend schedule. I once again acknowledge that this is a phase. After graduate school, my life becomes much more open to the chances life and the higher powers decide to cast in my direction. Hoooray for the AT Service Experience!
In this notion of future tense: what lies ahead? I am unaware, but much like the cognitive space before breaking through to a more actualized part of self, the feeling I carry now is one of pre-determined destiny.
I've been having the occurence of Déjà vus lately. These, to me, are a reinforcement that what is happening is supposed to be - even if some of the occurrences are less than desirable (i.e., arguing over petty things with Maura). In this, I realize that we cannot be granted passage through to a more unique form of an actualized self until we learn to shift our current perceptions and limitations to be more in line with love and freedom.
So, to more love, and the enhanced memory that freedom waits at the edge of our finger tips!